


Empty Cartridge

by ADals07



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Alcohol, Doctor/Patient, F/F, I'm a dramatic hoe, Shooting, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADals07/pseuds/ADals07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke is Lexa's doctor. Lexa has to face some devastating news when she wakes up in a hospital.</p><p>Featuring a snarky Raven Reyes.</p><p>Guest starring: secrets, sadness and sass</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

A slender strip of orange light from the east pushed the dim sky upwards with a tiny notch each second. The sun had crept its way into the room. You tried to open your eyes, but the sharp light made it difficult. A wave of pain hit you, and your hands slowly made their way to your temples in an attempt to rub the discomfort away. You let out a soft grunt. A voice that had to fight the buzzing noise in your head crooned, “Oh, you are awake.”

Confused, your eyes flickered around the room, searching for something to settle on besides white walls. A young, blond woman with vivid, blue eyes entered your field of vision. Struggling to say something, you just nod. 

“How are you feeling?” the woman asked. 

You cleared your throat in an attempt to gain control of your voice. “I… I’m not sure.”

The other woman looked down and fumbled with a clipboard she was holding. She cleared her throat and said, “Lexa, I have the duty of letting you know that your sister, Anya, died in the accident.”

You closed your eyes and let the tears run down your cheeks.  


\----  


The dark had swallowed the day and the night now reigned. You felt the springs from the bed gnawing into your back when you tried to sit up. Because of the movement, the wheels under your bed made a shrill squeaking sound. You stood up. Your entire body was aching. You picked up the lamp from the nightstand and weighed it in your hands. It was heavy enough.

Determined but slowly, you made your way down the hallway. You noticed a dim light coming from the medicine storage. The young doctor from earlier was bending over a tray of medicine. You held your breath and snug past the room quietly without being noticed. You made your way past the bathrooms to a window at the end of the hallway. With difficulty, you raised your hand, which had been severely injured from the accident, and threw the lamp against the window. A sound of glass hitting the floor echoed through the hospital. You quickly hid in the bathrooms. You peeked out from the door and saw a glimpse of the blonde who ran towards the sound. You took advantage of the chaotic situation and headed for the medicine storage as soon as the blonde had passed. The door had been left wide open. You groped for any recognizable drug. You saw a bottle marked with Rohypnol and grabbed it. Frantically, you managed to shake about a dozen pills into your hand. With your hand clasped tightly around the small pills, you made your way to your own room again.

You opened your hand. It was damp from sweat. Your hands were shaking and your eyes were running. You just sat there. 

The blond doctor entered the room. “Just checking if you… ” The doctor had noticed the pills in your hands and paused. Her voice softened and she slowly stepped towards you. “Hey, it’s ok,” she said. Tenderly, the doctor took the pills from your hand – one by one. You didn’t look at her. You didn’t say anything. 

\----

A feeling of being watched hit you as soon as you woke up. The blonde doctor was sitting in a chair next to your bed.  
“So… about yesterday…” You didn’t know how to finish the sentence and let the words hang in the air. 

“It’s ok,” the doctor said. 

“You stayed,” you noted. “Thank you, doctor…” You didn’t know if you meant it. Everything could have been over now. The pain could have been gone. 

“Dr. Clarke Griffin,” she filled in the blank. The doctor smiled. “I should change your bandage before my shift is over,” she said in a professional tone. You both knew that her shift had ended long ago.

\----  
You felt empty. That was an understatement. You felt as if your core had been scooped out and launched into space on an aimless journey towards oblivion. You were just a thin shell of your former self. The only feeling left in you hull was tight knot of guilt. You even felt guilty for having so much self-pity. After all, you were still alive, and it should be considered a luxury even being able to feel guilt because at least it was something. 

You had hit your head, had split your eyebrow and had acquired yourself a concussion. Furthermore, you had dislocated your shoulder and several fingers on your right hand were broken. On top on that, you had lost Anya. You were still alive, thanks to the doctor, but you didn’t feel alive.

\----

In the morning, the doctor stepped inside the room with a concerned look on her face. “After the stunt you made last night, someone has to check in on you quite often. I’m sorry, but I had to report it.”

You sighed and looked down at your hands feeling soaked with shame.  
The doctor noticed and said, “I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

You shook your head. 

“That’s okay. Just know that I will tell you the same thing next time I check on you and the time after that, and the time after that.” 

You rolled your eyes. She wasn't going to let this go any time soon. Great. 

\----

In the middle of the night, the door to your room opened with a shill creek that woke you up. The blonde doctor was standing in the doorframe. 

“Ugh… still here. Living, breathing, being alive, but also being very awake just like half an hour ago,” you said irritated. 

“Sorry, it’s protocol. Maybe we can arrange for you to get another room with a door that doesn’t sound like a dying animal,” The doctor said apologetically.

“Whatever,” you said while grunting into the pillow. It was going to be a long night and you were so exhausted. Goddammit. 

\----

The next day, the doctor had arranged for you to move into another room; a room you had to share with another patient. 

“Wow, You look like shit!” your new roommate said as soon as she saw you. 

“Car crash,” you simply stated. ”Nice to meet you too,” you said with a voice tinted with sarcasm while you stuck the hand forward that hadn’t been injured. 

“Raven Reyes,” the other girl said while she grabbed your hand and shook it. And your name is?

"It's Lexa. So what happened to you?” you quickly asked.

“Long story.” The girl looked down at her leg with a frown and took a deep breath. ”Anyway, want some food? I stole some extra snacks from the cafeteria.”

“How did you do that?"

“I have my ways,” Raven said while raising an eyebrow. 

\----

A few weeks passed by and you and Raven became close. She was a huge pain in the ass, but she was good at keeping you on your toes. 

“I’m going on an adventure. Wanna come?” Raven asked playfully.

“Is it your hourly trip down the hall to the coffee machine?” you asked her while sipping on a glass of water. 

“Yep.” 

You let out a small sigh while you shook your head. “Fine. I’ll come.”

You really didn’t have much else to do because your head was still fuzzy from the concussion, and you weren’t allowed to watch TV or even read a book. Sometimes you thought Raven just went to get a coffee just so you would get out a little. The girl was already super hyperactive. She definitely didn’t need any more caffeine. 

You passed Raven her crutches and watched as she struggled to get up. The girl refused any help.

\----

You and Raven watched the big, noisy behemoth as it slowly drooled hot, grainy coffee into a small plastic cup. Yum. 

When your coffee was done, you turned around to head back to your room holding Raven’s coffee. Mid-turn, you bumped into something or someone and you spilled the hot, black liquid onto yourself. 

“Shit!” you yelled. “What the fuck!” Dripping with coffee, you looked up and was met with a familiar face. It was Dr. Griffin. 

“I’m so sorry,” she said. She then quickly grabbed a stack of napkins and dabbed them onto your shirt while you stood still, perplexed as the doctor continued apologizing, “I’m so so sorry.” Dr. Griffin realized that there was no way she could save the shirt and offered you to come with her to get a new one. 

You followed the doctor to the supply room and watched her pick out a new shirt for you. “Try this one,” she said. You took off your wet shirt in one swift motion revealing your skin. To your surprise, the blonde didn’t turn away. On second thought, she was probably checking if the hot liquid had left any marks on your skin. You reached an arm forward to get the new, clean shirt, but the doctor’s eyes were glued to your body and she didn’t notice your gesture. This amused you and you smiled for the first time in a long time. 

“Can I have the shirt?” you said calmly. When your voice punctured the silence, the doctor snapped out of her trance and a red color surfaced her cheeks. 

\----

You felt as if a heavy, itchy blanket of darkness laid on your shoulders. The darkness had invaded your head. It was an unwanted guest, who had no intention of leaving. It was like a tic that gorged on your last drop of blood. A jumble of poisonous thoughts haunted your head, but there she was, knocking on your door and entering with a soft smile. 

“How are you today Lexa?” Clarke asked. 

“Better actually.” 

“Really?” The doctor looked at you with disbelief. 

“Yeah, believe it or not. My headache isn’t too bad today and look at this.” You picked up a glass of water with the hand that had been crushed in the accident. “Ta-da!” 

“Wow, I’m impressed Lexa,” the doctor said with genuine excitement. 

“I can lift glasses too. See,” Raven said while demonstrating. The comment earned an annoyed glare from both you and Dr. Griffin. 

“You’re so mature Reyes,” you said coldly. 

The doctor had initially entered the room to take Ravens leg cast off, so it was understandable why Raven was getting impatient. You caught the doctor staring at you as she was breaking Raven out of the cast. Your eyes locked. “Are you checking me out Dr. Griffin,” you said with a smirk plastered across your face.

“It’s my job to monitor you.” She answered almost a little too impersonally as if she was fighting to keep a certain professional distance to you. 

“It must be the best job ever,” you teased.

“It’s not too bad.” The blonde gave in and let out a soft chuckle but quickly returned to her stoic self.

“Guys, I’m right here. Stop the shameless flirting. It’s gross,” Raven said. 

Dr. Griffin blinked a few times. “What?”

“Never mind." 

Raven looked over at you when the doctor had left. “Why are you smiling like an idiot?” she asked. You didn’t answer the question and Raven’s face lit up with a sudden realization. 

\----

You became more comfortable with the doctor. She had asked you just to call her Clarke. The conversation flew as if you had known each other for years. Clarke’s working hours were often at night and occasionally, you brought some of the nasty coffee from the coffee machine to her office. She seemed to appreciate the gesture and the company. After a while, you even felt comfortable enough to talk to her about the car crash. It felt nice. 

One evening, Clarke looked at her watch; maybe it was out of habit or maybe it was a subtle way to hint that it was getting late. 

“I don’t wanna keep you from your family or partner or whoever. You can go if you want to,” you said. 

“My boyfriend is on a business trip this weekend, so don’t worry about me. I actually wouldn’t mind some company this evening.” 

She had a boyfriend. On the outside, you didn’t seem faced at all by this new information, but on the inside, you were conflicted. You felt like you shouldn’t get too involved, but at the same time, you could use a friend. It was also too late not to get involved. You really did care for her. 

The blonde continued, “Do you wanna go outside. You must be tired of the stuffy hospital air in here.”

She was right. You hadn’t been outside in a while. “Sure, I could use some fresh air,” you said nonchalantly. 

You walked outside to an area behind the hospital. Clarke pulled out a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and pulled one cigarette out. 

“May I?” You said gesturing towards the cigarettes.

“Are you asking me as your doctor or as the owner of the cigarettes?” She said with a smirk while throwing the pack at you. “Also, I thought you needed some fresh air?”

You shrugged and leaned in with a cigarette in your mouth so Clarke could light it. With only a few inches from each other, your eyes met hers. You held your hand up to shield the cigarette from the wind. You were so close to her that you could smell her perfume. It was only a fleeting moment, but it felt like a whole lot longer.

The conversation continued smoothly for about an hour. “Tell me more about this boyfriend of yours,” you said, genuinely interested in getting to know more about Clarke’s life. 

Disregarding the question, Clark abruptly said, “It’s getting late. I should probably get going.” Then she left with a hurried goodbye. 

\----

_Eight lanes. Four going one way and four going the other way. Headlights. Screaming brakes. Boom. Out._

You woke up in a pool of sweat with a heartbeat that pounded violently on your rib cage. You frantically tried to catch your breath. 

\----

You stole a quick look at Clarke Griffin. You had positioned your bed so that you could see the doctor through the open door. She was sitting behind the front desk filling out some paperwork. 

Addiction can creep up on you like a cascade of hungry rats that rise from the shadows when the sun hits the horizon. An addiction can go from being just a bad habit to being a habit - a habit like brushing your teeth. Then, the addiction becomes a part of the day – and the night - and the dreams. When the addiction becomes too strong, it becomes an obsession – or maybe that’s what’s called love. 

You peeked a glance at Clarke Griffin once again. Fuck. 

\-----

Weeks passed by and a magnet of madness was slowly pulling you in. Not into a deep, black hole anymore, but towards a fluffy pink cloud. 

A quivering, tingling feeling just under the surface of your skin arose every time she came near you. A symphony of white noise, composed by a single glance from the blonde doctor, exposed every single nerve ending in your body and made you feel a thousand things you never thought you would feel again. You had to shut it down.

\----

“Raven, I think I am in love,” you whispered.

“No shit.”

“What! You knew?”

“Yeah, of course. I mean, it is difficult not to love me,” she said with a smirk.

You threw a pillow across the room and hit your friend in her face. “No, you idiot.”

“I know. I know. You are into Clarke. You are seriously smitten. I get it. I already called it out long ago. You actually owe me ten bucks for that.”

“Raven, I don't remember ever making a bet with you.”

“Yes, we did. I just couldn't let you in on it, because I wanted to eliminate bias until after the outcome was known,” Raven explained while using many hand gestures. 

“Thank you for not corrupting the social experiment that is my love life,” you said while smiling and shaking your head in utter amusement of your friend's way of entertaining herself.

“You're absolutely welcome. Anyway, so you said you had a crush on Dr. Griffin. What are you gonna do about it?”

“Nothing,” you yawned.

“What! Nothing?”

“Yeah, I am waiting for it to pass,”

“You are making it sound like it is some sort of disease. There is no cure for this thing and you might end up waiting a long ass time.”

“I'm patient.”

“All right Ms. Patient, please let me know when you are over her.” Raven glanced down at the floor.

“Are you thinking about making a bet with me on when I will be over her?”

“Yep, except it wasn't about when. It was about whether or not you would ever get over her. I'm leaning towards never.”

“Raven Reyes, you are an ass.”

“I am just saying that love isn't necessarily a bad thing.”

\----

_Alternating light beams of red and blue were licking your face. You were balling your fists and twitching your whole body. A high pitched screem that pierced through your ears. ___

You had made knots on your sheets from tossing and turning. You opened your eyes. You remembered now.

\----

“Come in.”

It was Clarke.

It was only you in the room because Raven was at physical therapy, you assumed. The girl never told you. 

“Hey, are you ready for the x-ray? It’s just a standard checkup just to see if everything is healing all right,” Clarke said.

As Clarke stepped closer, you noticed faint trails of smeared mascara on her cheeks. “Are you ok?” you finally asked her while completely disregarding your previous thoughts about distancing yourself from the doctor. Clarke needed a friend to comfort her. With no immediate response, you quickly added, “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”

She was hesitant, but with tears in her eyes, she finally told you, “I just broke up with my boyfriend. Right after I told him, he told me that his mother had just been diagnosed with cancer. Maybe I should have kicked him in the balls while I was at it. I’m such a terrible person.”

“You are definitely not a terrible person. I can assure you that,” you said while she was leaning in for a hug. You squeezed her tightly.

\----

You had been keeping your feelings to yourself for too long. You felt like you were going to implode. Maybe Raven was right. Maybe love wasn't a bad thing.

“Do you feel the same?” Your voice was dripping with anticipation and hopefulness.

I sudden moment of insane courage had led you to this situation. Clarke looked as if a six-shooter was pressed against her temple as if she was in the middle of a game of Russian roulette. You could almost hear her think.

“Maybe,” she said with an apologizing look in her eyes.

It was difficult hitting bull’s eye when firing blanks and the sound the empty cartridge made hitting the floor, echoed with deafening doubt.

“Oh, ok.” You said while you shrugged your shoulders. “Don’t worry about it”. 

Why hadn’t she just said no? She had left an open wound of hope. Clarke Griffin herself was like an aerodynamic bullet that had ripped your flesh open. A bullet that you hadn’t been able to deflect. She probably wasn’t even into girls. You had misread every single interaction with her. The doctor was just doing her job. It would have been best for everyone if you had just kept your distance. But you were already hit. 

\----

You knocked on the door to the doctor’s office. As usual, you had a cup of coffee in your hand, but it was really just an excuse to see her.

“Good morning doctor,” you said with a slight emphasis on the word doctor. It was so slight that Clarke probably didn’t even notice, but Clarke did notice and a subtle nervous movement in the corner of her mouth revealed her. It was a tiny crack in her façade, but you saw it. “Yesterday, you said maybe. You didn’t say no. Why not?” you finally said. 

“Because I’m weak.”

“What does that even mean? Did you say it not to hurt me, because I would prefer a straight answer?” you said while raising your voice. 

Clarke was avoiding eye contact. “I was… I am too weak to say yes.” Your eyes widened in confusion. “Lexa, I’m your doctor. I don’t want our relationship to cloud my judgment regarding your treatment. Also, I don’t want to lose my job. I am sorry for having pulled you into this mess. I have overstepped some boundaries. It is my fault. I shouldn’t have let this happen.” You noticed a single tear in the corner of Clarke’s eye. Clarke had just confessed that she had feelings for you. 

The anger had left your body. “I’m glad you let it happen,” you then said with a tender voice while taking a step in the direction of the doctor. “I somehow feel lighter than I have felt in years.” You took another step and narrowed the distance to the doctor. You could hear the sound of her staggered breath. You took one hand up to cup her face while you leaned in closer. Her lower lip was trembling when you caught her lips with your own. Clarkes lips were warm and the slow, tender, open-mouthed kiss, made her relax for a moment, but then she suddenly pulled away. You could see her jaw muscles clench. 

“I have to go,” she said and then she left. 

You were now standing in Clarke’s office alone thinking about what had just happened. It had all happened so quickly. Maybe you shouldn’t have kissed her. 

\----

You returned to your room and was met with your curious roommate. 

“My sources tell me that you have been seeing a certain doctor a lot lately. So, what’s going on between you and Dr. Griffin? ”

“Your sources? Raven, we both know that you don’t have any other friends than me,” you said mockingly.

“Answer the question,” raven said while raising her eyebrows. 

“We are just friends. She’s my buddy. My pal. My mate with a capital M,” you said defending yourself. 

“Right,” raven said. She was not convinced. 

You knew Raven would keep bugging you about it, so you finally caved in, “Okay, we kissed."

“I knew it!” Raven yelled in triumph. “So how was it?” 

“It was nice.”

“And?”

“I don’t know. She pulled away.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” you said defeated. 

“Young love, what can you do?”

“Raven, you and I are the exact same age!”

“I know, but my wisdom exceeds the age of my mortal body.”

“Sure,” you said while rolling your eyes. “Then why don’t you share some of all that wisdom. What am I supposed to do now?”

“I'm sorry. I don't know.”


	2. 2

In the spring, helpless hope sprouts. It grows larger in the summer, but it always ends badly; winter always comes. A thin layer of pulverized, white snow had fallen from the sky. The December darkness arose from the grave and ate a chunk of the day.

\----

Once again, you and Raven were standing in front of the coffee machine down the hall. While the coffee was brewing, you looked around and accidentally caught a glimpse of Clarke. You didn’t know if you were in love with Clarke or just the idea of her. There is a saying that you can hear the sound of the ocean if you hold a conch shell to your ear, but an old, used coffee mug makes the same sound. Maybe Clarke Griffin was like a conch shell – just a made-up story. You would never know because she had distanced herself from you. She was still your doctor, but now she was only your doctor. She was not Clarke Griffin anymore, but simply Dr. Griffin. She had made that clear.

She was ignoring you. She was examining clipboard histories, rehearsing medical soaps and taking notes. She had reduced herself to a machine. She was nothing but an automized workaholic. With every question she was asked, a preprogrammed answer followed.

The coffee was finally done brewing. It was bitter.

\----

You were sitting in your bed, studying your body. A net of pink scar tissue had replaced the dark, crusty flakes of coagulated blood. The accident had left imprints on your porcelain bone and the trickled marrow left hollow tunnels behind that echoed with survivor’s guilt. Blue, pulsing veins were winding around and through your limb like a parasitic plant crawling up a tree and slowly sucking the life out of it. You were alive, yet it felt like your body was strangling you.

You had made friends with the shadows again. You had a fixed time bomb wired deeply into your brain. It could detonate at any time and launch self-destruction. You were tired. You were exhausted. You even heard a voice echoing in your mind telling you to get some sleep. The voice kept getting louder and louder and finally it was so loud that you couldn’t hear your thoughts.

“Hey! Dude, you should get some sleep!” Raven said with a concerned look while waving her hand in front of your face.

“Huh?” You returned to reality.

“You have been staring at the wall for way too long. Lexa, you are freaking me out.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m just concerned.”

“I’m just tired. Don’t worry about it.”

\----

“How are you doing today?” Clarke asked you. Her voice was soft but drained of emotion. Her lips attempted a smile, but her eyes didn’t bother.

“Fine,” you lied. Well, it wasn’t entirely untrue. Physically, you had improved. You wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible.

“Good,” she said coldly while scribbling down something on a notepad. She was dodging your stare to avoid eye contact.

\----

_Wailing wheels. Tightening seat belts. Waterfalls of glass. Crystals sparkling on the asphalt tainted with the color red. ___

You opened your eyes. Another nightmare. Another unpleasant trip down memory lane.

\----

The buzzing sound of voices filled the canteen. As usual, you were sitting next to Raven.

Tiny crystals had formed on the bottom of the windows of the hospital reflecting the fragile winter sunlight onto the walls. Clarke walked past the light, which made her blonde hair look like a halo for a split second.

Your eyes met hers in a fleeting moment. Suddenly, you were like a reclaimed alcoholic accidentally smelling a vintage wine from Château Petrus and falling right back into a fettered relationship with a cheap, dull box-wine. You could only dream about the expensive drops.

“Cut it out,” Raven said while pointing straight at you with her fork and with a mouth full of food. “I see you staring at blondie all dreamy. Just this morning, you told me that you were going to let her go.”

“I was not stari…” you tried to defend yourself.

Raven cut you off, “and don’t tell me you weren’t, because your eyes were practically glued to her. Did you even hear half of what I was saying before?”

“Sorry,” you said never taking your eyes off the doctor. "Clarke has turned into an ice queen.”

“Yet you still have the feels for her.”

Clarke had built a wall around herself so high that you couldn’t even see the Clarke you knew not too long ago. “Raven, I’m in love with a brick wall,” you said with a sigh.

Raven tried to lighten the mood, “She is still hot, though.”

“Raven, you are not helping.”

\----

_Howling sirens. Howling sirens. Howling sirens. Run. ___

“Hey, Lexa. Are you ok?” Raven asked with an early morning rawness to her voice.

It felt like a cluster of razors was stuck inside your throat. “I’m fine. It was just a nightmare.”

\----

You had been so encapsulated by your own misery for so long that you hadn’t noticed the beginning of Raven’s downfall. Now Raven’s leg was infected. She had had a steady healing progress until some stitches broke. She was shivering. You were impressed with Raven’s ability to stay positive, even though you now knew that it was mostly a façade.

Clarke was cleaning her wound. “How are you feeling Raven?” she asked.

“It feels like tiny, nasty insects are crawling under my skin, but other than that I’m feeling great.” Those same insects were wearing top hats in her fever dreams. They would dance on her goosebumps, play hide and seek in the dark, and make fun of her for being weak.

“I’m going to check on you in an hour, but send Lexa to get me if it gets any worse. Okay?”  
You swallowed when your name left Clarke's lips. She hadn’t said your name in a long time.

Raven had closed her eyes and nodded slowly to signal that she had understood the message. Her forehead was glimpsing with tiny pearls of sweat. You were feeling guilty. When you were at your worst, Raven had been a tremendous help. She had done everything she could to keep your spirit high. Now that Raven was feeling ill, there was no way you could help her. You squeezed her hand and whispered, “You are gonna make this infection your bitch. Okay?”

Raven let out a quiet mumble and smiled. You couldn’t help but smile back at her, but your smile quickly turned into a frown. You remembered that you were scheduled to be discharged in the morning.

“When a candle burns, the optimist sees the light it makes, while the pessimist sees the oxygen it consumes.”

You gently put your hand on her forehead. She was burning up. “What the fuck are you rambling about Raven? Are you okay? Should I get Clarke?”

As if she could read minds, Raven said, “I know that you are sad that you are being discharged, but I am just glad that you were here.”

“Stop being dramatic. You are making it sound like I am dying. I can still visit,” you said with a concerned look on your face.

“You are not dying. I know that.” Then Raven dozed off. You stayed for a while listening to your friend's heartbeat. It was still beating, but it was almost beating too loud.

\----

You were sitting outside your room on the floor twiddling your thumbs not knowing what to do.

A white lab coat appeared in the corner of your eye. “Lexa, can we talk?” Clarke asked.

“That’s very out of character for you to say. What have you done to the real Dr. Griffin?” you said while squinting your eyes.

“Can we go for a walk?” she then asked. Outside, it had started snowing. You watched as tiny snowflakes hit Clarke’s cheeks and you watched as they melted shortly after the touch of her skin. Maybe she was not as cold as you thought. With an absent gaze, Clarke hit a small umbrella up. A few of the rods broke free from the fabric so that they fluttered in the wind.  
After it seemed like you had walked your soles thin, Clarke finally broke the silence. “I’m sorry I have been distant lately.”

“Earth to Clarke. Distant? That’s the biggest understatement of the year. I feel like I am invisible to you. You won’t even look me in the eyes.”

“I have just been doing my job, Lexa. I am not obligated to have a personal relation to you.”

“I know because you would only have a personal relation to me if it were a part of your job. Isn’t that right? You are not a person. You are a doctor. Apparently, you don’t know how to be both.” You were curious about why the doctor had even let your relationship go it as far as it did. You were both at fault for starting it, but she should have shut it down sooner. Maybe her feelings had sneaked up on her as they had on you. If her feelings towards you even resembled the feelings you had towards her, it must have been a hard choice to make. However, it did not excuse the way she had been acting afterward.

Clarke didn’t say anything for a while. Your words had hit hard. A breath was caught between her lungs and her lips. For a moment, you saw who the girl truly was. You caught a glimpse of her soul twisting. She almost said something to defend herself but settled on something entirely different. “I’m sorry Lexa.”

“Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?” you asked.

“No.”

“Is it about Raven? Is she going to be okay?” Clarke hesitated as if the question had poked a hole into an inflamed boil and it’s content was leaking out and slowly short-cutting the whole system. “Clarke, is she going to be okay?” you repeated.

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

Salty water trickled down your face. “I can’t lose her too.”

Clarke slowly wrapped her arms around you. You let her.

\----

Maybe Clarke was like a conch shell. Maybe she was not.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER 1 AND 2 HAS BEEN REWRITTEN (JUNE 1. 2016)

A dull, synthetic light that subtly lit the room woke you up. The usual light snoring that came from Raven side of the room was gone. She had been moved to a separate room with nurses who took turn keeping an eye on her. With half open eyes, you could make out the silhouette of the person who had let the light in from the hallway. The figure was casting a long shadow on the floor. You pretended you were sleeping for a couple of seconds, but your curiosity took over just at the person was about to leave. “Dr. Griffin?” 

The doctor gasped in surprise. She thought you were still sleeping. A+ for the acting on your part. You mentally padded yourself on the back. 

“Are you lost?” you asked the doctor mid yawn while rubbing your eyes, 

“I’m just making sure that you are… “She pressed her lips together as if she regretted having started the sentence, “…here.” 

“For how long have you been doing this?” 

“I never stopped.”

“Oh.”

“I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“It’s okay,” you said while tilting your head to the side. “Do you ever sleep, Dr. Griffin?”

“Sleep is overrated.” You caught a glimpse of her blue eyes that sparkled even in the dim light. “Good night.”

“Good night, Dr. Griffin.” 

\----

You had trouble falling asleep again after being woken up, so you decided to go to the bathroom. On your way to the bathroom, you heard a muffled voice coming from Clarke’s office. You should have just walked passed the office, but you didn’t need to pee that much and thus the decision to spy on the doctor was made. Carefully, you pushed your ear against the door.

“Mom, I’m sorry.”

No one answered before Clarke spoke again. You figured that she was probably talking to someone on the phone. 

“Just hang in tightly. I have been taking a lot of extra shifts lately, but it still isn’t enough. I might not be able to pay your medical bill for next month.” 

There was a long pause before the doctor spoke again.

“I will figure something out,” the doctor said with a determined voice.

It sounded like the conversation was ending, so you decided to head for the bathroom. You had mixed feelings about having overheard Clarke’s private conversation with her mother, but at the same time, it offered somewhat of an explanation to why the doctor had been so distant lately. 

\----

Raven’s condition had worsened and she was rushed to the operating room. She was lying on the operation table with her arms spread out to the side, making the whole setup look like a lying crucifixion. A painful, blue spotlight made a whispered electric hum. One of Raven’s legs were marked with an X and a doctor was painting it with alcohol. A small tube was connected to her arm and let a constant flow of anesthetics mingle with her blood. Raven was asked to count down from 10, but she didn’t even make it to 9 before she dozed off. 

\----

You looked at the clock hanging in your room. You were waiting in your room for Raven to be done with her surgery. You looked at the clock again. It seemed like time stood still. Your thoughts were interrupted by a heavy knock on the door. Two large men in uniforms stepped into the room.  
How had they found you? You were not prepared for this. You knew that they would pierce through every explanation and alibi you would make up with just a casual glance. You swallowed a lump of self-reproach and put on a disguise made of pure innocence. 

“We know that this is a difficult time for you, but we need to ask you some questions about the night of the car crash.”

“Oh.” The car crash. Of course. They were here for the car crash. 

\----

Raven had not woken up before you had to leave, but you had promised her that you would visit her in the morning. You were not allowed to stay with Raven because you were not related. You had been on your knees begging for permission to stay just one more night to wait for Raven to wake up, but it had not helped at all. It was ironic. For so long, you had been begging to be discharged and now that you were finally free to go, you wanted to stay. 

You went to Clarke’s office. As usual, Clarke was there.

“What can I help you with?”

“I’m leaving right now and I was wondering if you could let me know when Raven wakes up from her surgery.”

“My shift ends in a couple of minutes, so I’m not going to be here tonight, but I’ll make sure someone lets you know.”

“Wait, since when do you have a life outside of work?” It was meant as a lighthearted joke, but you could tell by the doctor’s face, that she didn’t take it as that. 

“I don’t actually have anything planned in particular. I’m not working tonight because all the shifts were filled.” The doctor’s answer did not expose the fact the question had hit a sore subject, but you knew that it had.

“You know, since I’m going home today, would you like to come over for some lovely takeaway? It just so happens that I also don’t have anything planned for tonight. Coincidence? I think not. You know what, I insist that you should come over.”

The corners of the doctor’s mouth twitched slightly upwards, but she hesitated before she finally answered, “Well, If you insist.”

“Okay, see you at eight,” you said as you scribbled you address down on a piece of paper.

\---- 

You were walking on the sidewalk. You were free yet the air felt pervasive and insidious. It felt like it was soaking through your lungs making them into tar. You could not rule out that the fact that you were inhaling the air through a cigarette had something to do with it. 

\----

Your apartment was just as you left it except all your flowers had withered, a thin layer of dust that covered everything, and you had tons of unopened mail. You threw the flowers out and decided that you would take care of the mail later. You would rather spend some time dusting the place off before Clarke came over. 

At eight o’clock, Clarke arrived at your apartment. She was just wearing black jeans and a white T-shirt, but she looked so different. You remembered that you had never seen her in anything other than scrubs and a lab coat. 

“Hey, long time no see,” you said casually as you opened the door.

The blonde giggled. “You’re right. Three hours is a long time.”

“You want some wine?”

“Yeah, sure.”

You handed her a glass of red wine and poured one for yourself as well. “You like Thai-food?” 

“I love it.”

“Good, because it is on its way. It is probably going to be here in 15 minutes.”

Clarke sat on your couch and took a sip of the wine and you joined her. An awkward silence filled the room until Clarke finally spoke, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I was wondering why you invited me over?”

“We both needed company tonight.”

“The janitor got off from work early today as well. Just saying. Why me?”

“Oh damn, I wasn’t aware. I should have invited him instead. I guess I missed out on a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

“I was hoping that you would say something like _‘Well, he is not you’ _or something cheesy like that.  
“That works too, I guess.” __

A distant sound of sirens bounced between the tall buildings in the city. The sound slowly crept closer and red and blue lights flickered in the distance. 

“Shit! Clarke, close the curtains!” you yelled.

“Lexa, what is happening?”

You didn’t say anything but hurried to the front door to make sure that it was locked.

“Lexa, what is happening?” Clarke repeated. This time, raising her voice.

“I’m sorry Clarke.”

”Tell me what the hell is happening!”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean? Of course you can. Why would the police be after you? What the hell is happening Lexa?”

“Clarke, we have to leave.”

“No. No we don’t.”

“Yes, we do. We can leave through the fire exit.”

“Lexa, the police has passed the building.”

“What?”

Clarke was peeking out from behind the curtains. “I don’t think they are coming back.”

“Phew. Close one. I’m gonna set the table,” you said nonchalantly. 

“Lexa,” Clarke said firmly. 

“Yes, Clarke.”

“Are you going to tell me what just happened?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Sure,” she said as she folded her arms across her chest. 

“You don’t want to know, okay.”

“I do want to know. That is why I asked. Lexa, you can tell me anything.”

Clarke’s reassuring words were like a drop of a tiny pin that released atom bomb sparks. You decided that you could tell her and let the words that you had been carrying around for yourself sneak past your lips. You lowered your voice, “I think I shot someone.” 

“You did what?” Clarke raised her eyebrows and canyon deep wrinkles of concern formed on her forehead. 

“Well it wasn’t on purpose.”

“Care to elaborate?”

“It happened the day of the car accident. I was with Anya. We were in trouble and I had a gun and I fired it at some dude.” 

“Then how is it an accident if you shot someone with the intent of shooting them?” 

“Well, I didn’t hit who I was supposed to hit. I shot right past him. I didn’t see what happened next, but someone screamed as if they were hit. Anya and I ran. We just ran. We were on our way out of town when we crashed.”

“Can I ask what kind of trouble you were in, Lexa?”

“The bad kind.”

“And water is wet. What kind of trouble is not bad? Can you be a little more specific?”

The doorbell rang. “It’s probably the food,” you said. You were grateful for the interruption.

\----

The conversation’s subject matter had changed into a more lighthearted one over dinner. You had both had a couple of glasses of wine and frequently, you both let out a boisterous laughter. 

You didn’t want to ruin the good atmosphere, but you had to ask: “Clarke, how to you feel about what I told you earlier?”

“I am not judging you, Lexa. I’m not sure I fully understand what happened, but I get that you were in a situation where you were threatened.”

“Are you scared of me?” You were fighting back tears. 

“Should I be?”

“No.”

“Then I’m not.”

\----

Clarke had left after dinner. You were about to go to bed when you realized that you had not opened the mail yet. You flipped through the stack. Except for one letter, it was all junk mail. You realized what the letter was about before you even opened it. Anya had made sure she had a good life insurance. 

\----

You woke up early the next morning. You opened a window to let in some fresh air. Some leftover winter air rushed through the open window and the sharp air somehow made your heart coil. Weird.

You arrived at the hospital and went straight to the room where Raven had been spending the night. A nurse was sitting on a chair inside the room reading a book. Raven was sleeping. 

“Has she been up yet?”

“No, she has slept since the surgery, but she is stable. I’ll give you some time with her, just come find me when she wakes up.”

You nodded.

Raven slowly woke up after a while. She ignored the blood swathed stiches that were weaved into her leg and the discoloration on the surface of her skin. She tried to get up on her feet, but she staggered while trying to do so. Defeated by her ache, she accepted her body’s inadequacy by lying down again.

“Raven, what are you doing? You have to rest,” you asked curious to know why she was so eager to walk right after her surgery. 

“I’m just checking if my leg can still support me after they took it out. It was in pretty deep.”

“What was?” you asked confused. 

“The bullet.”

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so I apologize for any weird mistakes. Also, I am not sure how commas work in English, so I’ve just sprinkled some random ones here and there.


End file.
